|
22:06:16 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok, do you still have time kelly? |
|
22:06:20 |
WeeHands |
yeah Kelly! |
|
22:06:34 |
PDMod_Kelly |
We must treat the cause, not just the symptoms. |
|
22:06:35 |
Webmama_Tina |
i know we go for 2 hours sometimes...but don't think you like to
stay up THAT late all the time....lol |
|
22:06:38 |
keebler |
night :) |
|
22:06:56 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, I can go longer. I would just like to get some hot
tea. |
|
22:07:00 |
Webmama_Tina |
nite keebler! |
|
22:07:06 |
elsie |
is this chat every week? |
|
22:07:08 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I can zip back and forth between the screen and the kitchen. |
|
22:07:38 |
mommy2caeli |
is that part of the exercise program? |
|
22:07:38 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok, so who else has a burning question for kelly? |
|
22:07:42 |
willowsmom |
Ohhh I have a question that just came up. lol |
|
22:07:45 |
Webmama_Tina |
lol mommy2caeli |
|
22:07:47 |
elsie |
i have one |
|
22:07:54 |
PDMod_Kelly |
:) |
|
22:07:56 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok willowsmom next and then elsie |
|
22:07:59 |
momofgng |
thanks all of you...sara...i'll being running into you
again...hopefully tomorrow if i can get some assistance from the
hubby with the bedtime routine |
|
22:08:25 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah do come check it out momofgng! its an awesome chat! |
|
22:08:26 |
WeeHands |
see you then - it's all about the bedtime routine isn't it :D |
|
22:08:38 |
Webmama_Tina |
there's transcripts on the transcripts page from past chats |
|
22:09:01 |
willowsmom |
How do I get Willow to listen to me. lol She's 15 months
old..and I think it's a moot point right now..but when I'm
asking her to stop doing something...she just keeps on doing it
unless I physically remove her from the situation. I just
redirect her..is |
|
22:09:06 |
willowsmom |
that all I can do right now? |
|
22:09:24 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh so young |
|
22:09:24 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, you need to physically remove her. |
|
22:09:33 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Say it once, then act. |
|
22:09:46 |
willowsmom |
k so I'm doing the right thing then. lol |
|
22:09:57 |
PDMod_Kelly |
We have to use the tongue in our shoe instead of only the tongue
in our mouths. |
|
22:10:10 |
Webmama_Tina |
lol, that's a good one kelly! |
|
22:10:11 |
willowsmom |
LOL :) That's great |
|
22:10:13 |
mommytocali |
that was pretty much my question, lol Only mine is 17
months |
|
22:10:15 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes. We need to show children that we will follow through
with kind and firm actions. |
|
22:10:17 |
Webmama_Tina |
did you make that up yourself? LOL |
|
22:10:19 |
momofgng |
amen miss kelly |
|
22:10:34 |
PDMod_Kelly |
No, I didn't make that up. |
|
22:10:39 |
willowsmom |
Yay!! I'm glad I'm doing it right :) lol |
|
22:10:47 |
PDMod_Kelly |
One of the other PD Associates told me. |
|
22:10:50 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah i really like how jane says more action, less TALK"" |
|
22:10:52 |
elsie |
and how about when they're older? can i just say it once, then
act, with my 5 year old? |
|
22:11:02 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, this works for any age. |
|
22:11:14 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Again, we have to teach them that we will follow through. |
|
22:11:28 |
WeeHands |
good night everyone - great chat Kelly! |
|
22:11:29 |
willowsmom |
Thanks Kelly |
|
22:11:35 |
willowsmom |
night Weehands :) |
|
22:11:36 |
Webmama_Tina |
the hard part is doing it kind and firm and not out of anger,
huh? |
|
22:11:37 |
willowsmom |
See ya tomorrow |
|
22:11:38 |
mommytocali |
bye sara |
|
22:11:41 |
elsie |
i had a big discussion w/ my son's teacher today about not
stepping in like that |
|
22:12:20 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Goodnight Wee hands |
|
22:12:48 |
Webmama_Tina |
elsie not stepping in like what? |
|
22:13:03 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, we have to really make ourselves believe that misbehavior
is part of being a kid, that's it's just a matter of fact thing. |
|
22:13:20 |
momofgng |
good night sara |
|
22:13:22 |
elsie |
well, i physically removed him from a situation where I'd asked
him to stop doing something unsafe and he did not stop |
|
22:13:24 |
Webmama_Tina |
that's so hard.....it seems to be human nature to take it
personally |
|
22:13:31 |
PDMod_Kelly |
We have to deal with misbehavior as we do changing diapers,
getting kids dressed, etc. |
|
22:13:39 |
elsie |
his teacher said that was not being respectful of him |
|
22:13:43 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh gosh and his teacher said not to do that? |
|
22:13:51 |
Webmama_Tina |
yikes! great teacher, argh |
|
22:14:08 |
willowsmom |
ugh!! |
|
22:14:13 |
elsie |
actually, i love the teacher, but she's just ultra-PD" ya knoW?" |
|
22:14:16 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Do you feel good about how you handled it? |
|
22:14:27 |
momofgng |
i'd be finding a new teacher i believe |
|
22:14:45 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah some people cross the line |
|
22:14:50 |
elsie |
well, i feel good and bad |
|
22:15:04 |
elsie |
i handled it just the way i would at home, so i'm being
consistent |
|
22:15:07 |
PDMod_Kelly |
There really are lots and lots of ways" that people think about
Positive Discipline." |
|
22:15:16 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Positive Discipline is NOT permissiveness. |
|
22:15:26 |
elsie |
but i was not handling it the way its normally handled in the
classroom |
|
22:15:26 |
Webmama_Tina |
i had an old director, whom i love, but used to tell us teachers
not to use shhhhhh...because it was the same as saying
shutup...but i disagreed because i think it depends on the tone
you use |
|
22:15:42 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I mean if you feel like you were being as respectful as
possible, then that's all you can do. |
|
22:16:02 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I've carried a screaming and kicking child out of a store just
like any other mom and that's all I could do at the moment. |
|
22:16:20 |
elsie |
it's the fact that i had to pick him up and remove him that
bothers me...i mean, i'm not gonna be able to do that forever! |
|
22:16:37 |
PDMod_Kelly |
What is his age? |
|
22:16:41 |
elsie |
5 1/2 |
|
22:16:45 |
PDMod_Kelly |
If you mentioned that above, I'm sorry, I didn't get it. |
|
22:17:04 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, I had to remove my children physcially still at 5
sometimes. |
|
22:17:12 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Not fun, but sometimes required. |
|
22:17:21 |
PDMod_Kelly |
typo. |
|
22:17:25 |
elsie |
ok. glad to hear |
|
22:17:30 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Oh, well on the typo. |
|
22:17:54 |
elsie |
he just gest totally distracted in groups, and its like he
doesnt hear me talking to him |
|
22:17:55 |
momofgng |
isn't that just a way of checking back in with home base" to
make sure Mom is still tuned in?" |
|
22:17:56 |
PDMod_Kelly |
And moms, don't think you have to handle everything perfectly.
Do the best you can. |
|
22:18:07 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Some days are better than others. |
|
22:18:11 |
Webmama_Tina |
hell ya |
|
22:18:18 |
willowsmom |
ty Kelly :) |
|
22:18:19 |
Webmama_Tina |
some days are worse, lol |
|
22:18:32 |
elsie |
5 is my limit on experience...i'm wingin it from here out! |
|
22:18:37 |
elsie |
i may be here every week! |
|
22:18:44 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I teach this one workshop called Why My Kids Don't Listen"" |
|
22:18:47 |
Webmama_Tina |
lol...actually the PD chat is only monthly |
|
22:18:56 |
elsie |
ok, every monTH! :) |
|
22:18:57 |
Webmama_Tina |
heck i think i need this chat daily |
|
22:19:00 |
Webmama_Tina |
:) |
|
22:19:02 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I'll see how many of the reasons I can remember. |
|
22:19:14 |
willowsmom |
No kidding. lol |
|
22:19:23 |
Webmama_Tina |
elsie was your question answered? |
|
22:19:28 |
elsie |
the sad thing is i teach pd workshops at work! |
|
22:19:34 |
PDMod_Kelly |
1. Adults don't get the child's attention before
communicating. (They don't use touch, eye contact and
stand on the child's level.) |
|
22:19:41 |
elsie |
yes it was. just looking for validation today |
|
22:19:43 |
elsie |
thank you! |
|
22:19:49 |
Webmama_Tina |
:) |
|
22:20:02 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Elsie, I am not a pefect parent because I teach parenting
classes. |
|
22:20:02 |
momofgng |
we are always looking for validation! |
|
22:20:09 |
PDMod_Kelly |
That didn't come out right. |
|
22:20:12 |
PDMod_Kelly |
LOL! |
|
22:20:16 |
willowsmom |
lol |
|
22:20:18 |
Webmama_Tina |
we know what you meant kelly! |
|
22:20:22 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I'm not a perfet parent at all, even though I teach parenting
classes. |
|
22:20:28 |
Webmama_Tina |
you're a perfect parent cuz you're kelly! LOL |
|
22:20:31 |
Webmama_Tina |
just kidding |
|
22:20:44 |
Webmama_Tina |
*laughter* |
|
22:20:45 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Just ask my kids! |
|
22:20:58 |
elsie |
lol..i know i could ask mine! |
|
22:21:09 |
elsie |
he tells me he's gonna go live with nana |
|
22:21:10 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah i screw up daily |
|
22:21:13 |
PDMod_Kelly |
2. Children don't have the same priorities as adults. |
|
22:21:16 |
Webmama_Tina |
and i only have one! |
|
22:21:26 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh ain't that the truth! |
|
22:21:52 |
PDMod_Kelly |
3. The development of the child tells the child to explore
and the parents wish the child wouldn't explore. The voice of
the child's development is usually stronger than the voice of
the adult. |
|
22:22:07 |
Webmama_Tina |
that's a good way to put it |
|
22:22:30 |
willowsmom |
My friend who spanks her kids is always asking me why her kids
are doing certain things...ie running around the house
screaming, whining or whatever...I always tell her that they're
doing what they're supposed to do. They're KIDS not Miniature
Adults. |
|
22:22:39 |
willowsmom |
She really doesn't like it when I say it. lol |
|
22:22:40 |
PDMod_Kelly |
The other reasons aren't jumping into my brain though if someone
wants to know the others, I can look for my handout. |
|
22:22:44 |
momofgng |
i'm so interested and tempted to stay with you...but I must go
catch some z's |
|
22:22:56 |
PDMod_Kelly |
G |
|
22:22:59 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Oops! |
|
22:23:02 |
willowsmom |
Night Mom :) Take care...Hope the biting gets better. |
|
22:23:03 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Good night. |
|
22:23:04 |
momofgng |
the biter will be here before i know it...and i have to get my
strategy in place before he arrives |
|
22:23:19 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah come back next month and let us know how it goes! |
|
22:23:25 |
Webmama_Tina |
:) |
|
22:23:28 |
momofgng |
will do...thanks again |
|
22:23:28 |
elsie |
ive got to get to bed too...i wa ssupposed to go to bed early
tonight! |
|
22:23:33 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok who's next with a burning question? |
|
22:23:49 |
Webmama_Tina |
those of us on the west coast are just starting our evening |
|
22:23:52 |
willowsmom |
Have you found your child's off switch? lol |
|
22:23:59 |
willowsmom |
I can't find Willow's. |
|
22:24:01 |
Webmama_Tina |
you guys must be east coast, eh? :) |
|
22:24:05 |
willowsmom |
Apparently she doesn't have one. lol |
|
22:24:07 |
elsie |
yeah...PA |
|
22:24:09 |
Webmama_Tina |
off switch, LOL |
|
22:24:10 |
willowsmom |
Central Time Zone here |
|
22:24:12 |
willowsmom |
lol Tina |
|
22:24:16 |
mommytocali |
pa here too |
|
22:24:18 |
willowsmom |
I was of course, joking. lol |
|
22:24:21 |
elsie |
my son thankfully, has a great big off switch |
|
22:24:25 |
Webmama_Tina |
too funny |
|
22:24:35 |
willowsmom |
Yay!! lucky you Elsie. lol |
|
22:24:41 |
Webmama_Tina |
well my dd's off switch used to be sticking a boob in her mouth,
LOL |
|
22:24:43 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Okay, I now have my hot tea! |
|
22:24:49 |
Webmama_Tina |
yay kelly! |
|
22:24:50 |
willowsmom |
yummm tea |
|
22:24:50 |
elsie |
i know i'm lucky! |
|
22:24:55 |
mommytocali |
what's the best way to handle mini tantrums in a 17 month old,
ignore or talk her through it? |
|
22:25:00 |
elsie |
the kid puts himself to bed before 8 sometimes |
|
22:25:05 |
PDMod_Kelly |
That will get me through until midnight. :) |
|
22:25:19 |
Webmama_Tina |
wowee, how'd you do that elsie? lol |
|
22:25:33 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Well, what worked for me was something kind of in between. |
|
22:25:49 |
elsie |
i didnt- he did it by himself, slept through the ngiht by 5
weeks old, w/ NO pushin from me |
|
22:25:56 |
elsie |
the kid's amazing :) |
|
22:26:01 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I ignored in the fact that I didn't give in and I also didn't
react with anger, etc. |
|
22:26:05 |
Webmama_Tina |
this is the whining hour....i've been listening to my dd whine
and cry for one reason or another to my dh since we started this
chat...yay |
|
22:26:09 |
Webmama_Tina |
better him than me |
|
22:26:19 |
PDMod_Kelly |
But I stayed close by. |
|
22:26:30 |
Webmama_Tina |
is he your first else? |
|
22:26:32 |
mommytocali |
she realy is a good girl, so there not too big, but if she
really wants something and can't have it she will throw a fit,
up till now I have just ignored the tantrum, and she quits in
under a minute |
|
22:26:33 |
Webmama_Tina |
elsie |
|
22:26:36 |
elsie |
yeah, my only |
|
22:26:43 |
willowsmom |
Willow's just in my lap playing with her clothes. and pushing my
hands away from the keyboard..ok now she's screaming at me |
|
22:26:47 |
willowsmom |
ugh |
|
22:26:55 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh so your next will be the opposite, eh? LOL |
|
22:26:57 |
PDMod_Kelly |
When I got the feeling that it might be over or when my child
stopped to look over at me, I held out my arms to let them know
they could get a hug and that it was okay" that they "lost it."" |
|
22:27:02 |
elsie |
lol...dont say it! |
|
22:27:17 |
Webmama_Tina |
lol willowsmom, been there, done that |
|
22:27:21 |
willowsmom |
That's a great tip Kelly!!! |
|
22:27:23 |
willowsmom |
lol Tina |
|
22:27:30 |
elsie |
ok, i gotta sleep. thanks mamas! |
|
22:27:43 |
mommytocali |
when Cali does something wrong, and I tell her she is wrong, she
always comes at me for a kiss and hug |
|
22:27:44 |
PDMod_Kelly |
One thing that can sometimes help prevent tantrums is to use
some active listening and validate their feelings. |
|
22:27:44 |
willowsmom |
night Elsie! |
|
22:27:46 |
Webmama_Tina |
nite elsie! |
|
22:28:10 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Saying something like, You really wish you could play with that
can opener, don't you?"" |
|
22:28:30 |
PDMod_Kelly |
or You're sad that we have to leave the park right now, aren't
you?"" |
|
22:28:30 |
mommytocali |
okay |
|
22:28:39 |
mommytocali |
i usually do things like that :) |
|
22:28:39 |
willowsmom |
When Willow has a tantrum...which is rare...I usually sit down
with her and hold her...I sit with her through it...letting her
know that she's not alone...kwim? |
|
22:28:41 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah i tell maeven i know its really hard when you can't get
what you want" and "its so disappointing, i know"" |
|
22:28:47 |
Webmama_Tina |
does that sound ok? |
|
22:29:00 |
PDMod_Kelly |
It doesn't mean that you give in or change what you're doing,
but it lets them know that you at least understand a bit of what
they are feeling. |
|
22:29:35 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Also you can offer a hug first too. That always helps
acknowledge their feelings without saying a word. |
|
22:29:51 |
mommytocali |
hugs are my favorite! |
|
22:29:53 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah sometimes that just works right away, sometimes not |
|
22:29:54 |
willowsmom |
:) |
|
22:30:05 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Tonight my 8 yo. was whining about her homework. She
really did have more than usual. |
|
22:30:26 |
PDMod_Kelly |
She escalated her whining and started hitting some balloons. |
|
22:30:58 |
PDMod_Kelly |
She handled it okay and then walked back to the table to start
back on her homework. I said, Would you like a hug?"" |
|
22:31:21 |
PDMod_Kelly |
She said YES!" and I hugged her and I could feel the stress
leaving her body. She seemed fine after that." |
|
22:31:41 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh that's awesome! |
|
22:31:42 |
mommytocali |
thats so great, i hope I can be like that |
|
22:31:48 |
Webmama_Tina |
i wish it worked that well on my dd |
|
22:32:13 |
Webmama_Tina |
she usually doesn't want a hug if i offer...but sometimes if i
just give her one, she melts into me |
|
22:32:40 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Everything seems to work better when they are older and when you
and they have practiced it 600 times before. |
|
22:32:45 |
willowsmom |
I look forward to Willow getting older and interacting with me
more....I want to be this type of mom...I didn't have this type
of mom.... |
|
22:33:10 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah mine wasn't so patient with me....and its hard for me to be
patient with maeven |
|
22:33:13 |
Webmama_Tina |
i'm not very good at it |
|
22:33:14 |
PDMod_Kelly |
That's why I love PD. I really feel like I can set limits
and still have a trusting relationship. |
|
22:33:30 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok does anyone else have a question? |
|
22:33:40 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Oh, I was the most unnatural mom ever! |
|
22:33:52 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found PD. |
|
22:33:52 |
mommytocali |
so is positive discipline a must read for a new mom looking into
PD? |
|
22:34:00 |
Webmama_Tina |
you didn't use PD from the gitgo kelly? |
|
22:34:17 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, the book really does cover all of the pieces to the PD
puzzle. |
|
22:34:24 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh i would say yes mommytocali... |
|
22:34:32 |
mommytocali |
k, i'll have to check it out |
|
22:34:34 |
mommytocali |
thanks ladies |
|
22:34:35 |
Webmama_Tina |
although i haven't read the book yet, i've read parts and used
parts |
|
22:34:37 |
PDMod_Kelly |
When my son was 18 months is when my mother in law suggested
Jane Nelsen's book. |
|
22:34:44 |
mommytocali |
time for me to join my sleepy girl in bed :) |
|
22:34:52 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I knew I didn't want to spank, but I didn't know what else to do
besides time out. |
|
22:35:03 |
Webmama_Tina |
i knew about pd from the beginning but using it on your own
child vs as a preschool teacher is so totally different! |
|
22:35:26 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, I think things are so different with one's own child. |
|
22:35:32 |
willowsmom |
Night MommytoCali |
|
22:35:33 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok kelly, can you explain how jane recommends using time out? i
haven't read that book |
|
22:35:44 |
Webmama_Tina |
night mommytocali! |
|
22:35:55 |
mommytocali |
night all |
|
22:35:57 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Parents get hooked" into behaviors in an emotional way that
doesn't seem to happen as often in a teacher/child
relationship." |
|
22:35:58 |
mommytocali |
thanks for your help |
|
22:36:18 |
PDMod_Kelly |
In PD, time out is only used as a calming down time. |
|
22:36:31 |
PDMod_Kelly |
It's more like a cool off"" |
|
22:36:38 |
willowsmom |
i wish my kitten would listen to me....lol does PD work on
animals...Ugh! :) j/k |
|
22:36:41 |
Webmama_Tina |
i see...can you give us an example? |
|
22:36:49 |
PDMod_Kelly |
It has never worked with my cat! |
|
22:36:52 |
willowsmom |
lol |
|
22:37:01 |
Webmama_Tina |
LOL! yeah animals are harder |
|
22:37:12 |
Webmama_Tina |
if i could use it on my cats for peeing on my laundry, i would! |
|
22:37:16 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Time out/Cool off isn't recommended for children under the age
of 3. |
|
22:37:28 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Wait! There's a great article about this. |
|
22:37:39 |
willowsmom |
I read something about kids who don't share....about putting the
toy or object that they're fighting over into Time Out. |
|
22:37:48 |
Webmama_Tina |
3 or 3 and a half? i thought i saw 3 and a half on jane's
website |
|
22:37:51 |
willowsmom |
so that no one can play with it... |
|
22:37:58 |
PDMod_Kelly |
How do I get a link in here Tina? |
|
22:38:10 |
Webmama_Tina |
just type it with www a the begining |
|
22:38:13 |
Webmama_Tina |
or copy/paste it |
|
22:38:20 |
Webmama_Tina |
it will show as a link |
|
22:38:25 |
Webmama_Tina |
clickable |
|
22:38:29 |
Webmama_Tina |
and will open in a new window |
|
22:39:18 |
PDMod_Kelly |
www.positivediscipline.com/articles/Time_Out_for_Children.html |
|
22:39:49 |
mommy2caeli |
night all. |
|
22:39:55 |
PDMod_Kelly |
night |
|
22:39:59 |
willowsmom |
night mommy2caeli! |
|
22:40:06 |
Webmama_Tina |
ACK! |
|
22:40:21 |
Webmama_Tina |
i was trying to click on that link and i realized i had turned
the popup stopper back on |
|
22:40:22 |
willowsmom |
and then there were 3 |
|
22:40:23 |
willowsmom |
lol |
|
22:40:39 |
Webmama_Tina |
so it wouldn't work, so when i unblocked the page it kicked me
out of the chat...wooops! |
|
22:40:45 |
Webmama_Tina |
can you give the link again, i lost it |
|
22:41:00 |
PDMod_Kelly |
One thing I did was put the toy on top of the fridge and say to
my kids, Let me know when you've worked out a plan for who plays
with the toy when. Then I'll get the toy back down."
This put the responsibility back on the kids for negotiating a
plan." |
|
22:41:24 |
willowsmom |
Do you use timers? |
|
22:41:31 |
Webmama_Tina |
do you think my nearly 4yr old would be capable of coming up
with a plan...or is it too soon for that? |
|
22:41:50 |
PDMod_Kelly |
www.positivediscipline.com/articles/Time_Out_for_Children.html |
|
22:42:01 |
Webmama_Tina |
thanks! |
|
22:42:09 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Timers for the toy in time out? |
|
22:42:16 |
willowsmom |
no no |
|
22:42:17 |
willowsmom |
lol |
|
22:42:30 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Sorry. :) |
|
22:42:42 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok so say you have a child that is losing control and being just
a maniac...something that happens almost nightly lately....just
kicking and being nasty and obviously looking for
attention...even kicking with a smile on her face.... |
|
22:42:48 |
Webmama_Tina |
how would a time off work for that? |
|
22:42:52 |
Webmama_Tina |
time out, sorry? |
|
22:42:59 |
willowsmom |
Timers for your kids...in doing various things...like...sharing
or if they're slow getting ready or to play beat the clock if
they don't want to go to bed.... |
|
22:43:06 |
PDMod_Kelly |
A nearly four year old can start to work on solutions. You
can give some ideas when situations arise. |
|
22:43:12 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok |
|
22:43:47 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Well, if the child has a smile on their face, I'm not sure that
they are really out of control" of their emotions." |
|
22:43:53 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Know what I mean? |
|
22:43:59 |
Webmama_Tina |
well true |
|
22:44:12 |
Webmama_Tina |
but she will not stop |
|
22:44:17 |
PDMod_Kelly |
But anyway, let's say that the child IS out of control of their
emotions, a parent can ask, Would it help you to go to time
out?"" |
|
22:44:17 |
Webmama_Tina |
she just gets crazy |
|
22:44:37 |
PDMod_Kelly |
This won't work though if the words time out" have been used in
the past to signify a puniative time out." |
|
22:44:45 |
Webmama_Tina |
i just hate the term time out... |
|
22:45:00 |
PDMod_Kelly |
You have to SHOW kids how to calm down so at first you need to
go to time out WITH them. |
|
22:45:01 |
willowsmom |
what about...taking a breather...or a break |
|
22:45:11 |
willowsmom |
as opposed to using time out"" |
|
22:45:13 |
PDMod_Kelly |
One way I showed my son how to calm down was when he was about 5
years old. |
|
22:45:13 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah that would work willowsmom, lol |
|
22:45:13 |
willowsmom |
the words |
|
22:45:29 |
PDMod_Kelly |
We went to his room and I tossed pillows to him for him to
throw. |
|
22:45:46 |
Webmama_Tina |
i tried that the other day...remembered you telling us
that....it was fun! |
|
22:45:48 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Of course he threw them at me, but that was okay. I told
him it was okay to throw them and kept passing them back to him. |
|
22:45:57 |
Webmama_Tina |
i just kept telling her to throw it at me |
|
22:46:01 |
PDMod_Kelly |
He threw until he was calmed down and he ended up laughing. |
|
22:46:03 |
Webmama_Tina |
turned into a fun game |
|
22:46:07 |
willowsmom |
:) |
|
22:46:08 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I did this with my daughter when she was about 5 also. |
|
22:46:19 |
Webmama_Tina |
i have to try to remember that one |
|
22:46:34 |
willowsmom |
me too...I have a few years before I can start doing that... |
|
22:46:35 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Within 30 minutes, BOTH kids just came up to me and said, Mom, I
love you."" |
|
22:46:48 |
willowsmom |
awww |
|
22:46:58 |
PDMod_Kelly |
It was a strong signal to me that they really appreciated that I
stayed with them when they were angry and I didn't get mad
myself. |
|
22:47:09 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I accepted" their anger and helped them through it." |
|
22:47:15 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah i need to do that |
|
22:47:25 |
Webmama_Tina |
so how does one use a time out positively? |
|
22:47:29 |
Webmama_Tina |
what does that look like? |
|
22:47:35 |
Webmama_Tina |
can you walk us through it? |
|
22:47:43 |
Webmama_Tina |
what to do and what not to do? |
|
22:48:06 |
Webmama_Tina |
(i really need that book) |
|
22:48:12 |
PDMod_Kelly |
One way is to create an area in your home for time out OR create
a box that helps with time out. I'll explain. |
|
22:48:22 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok |
|
22:49:19 |
PDMod_Kelly |
If you created an area, you would put things in the area that
would help a child calm down --things like stuffed animals,
pillows, a CD headset with classical or soft music, a hammering
toy, a tracking tube or other liquid motion toy, stress balls,
etc. |
|
22:49:37 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Of course you have to put items in that are age appropriate and
safe for the appropriate age. |
|
22:50:04 |
PDMod_Kelly |
If you were using a box, just put all of these items in a box
that the child could take with them somewhere in the house. |
|
22:50:08 |
Webmama_Tina |
wow, in direct contrast to what dr phil suggests, he says not to
send them to disneyland (their rooms), its too fun there...they
need a place devoid of stimulation....i really don't like that
guy's parenting tips |
|
22:50:14 |
willowsmom |
That's a great idea |
|
22:50:24 |
willowsmom |
I don't either Tina |
|
22:50:26 |
willowsmom |
lol |
|
22:50:30 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Then you need to talk about the items and show how to use them
and role play with children ages 4 and up. |
|
22:50:33 |
willowsmom |
Can't really stand the man in fact. lol |
|
22:50:40 |
willowsmom |
Hi Stacy! Wb |
|
22:50:46 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Do all of this when everyone is in a good mood. That's
when the best learning can take place. |
|
22:50:48 |
Webmama_Tina |
i like his relationship advice, but not his parenting advice |
|
22:50:51 |
Stacy_G. |
thanks! |
|
22:50:52 |
Webmama_Tina |
welcome back stacy! |
|
22:50:59 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Next you need to use the time out area or box when YOU get
angry. |
|
22:51:06 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok, i'm seriously thinking of doing this soon...i like that
kelly |
|
22:51:07 |
PDMod_Kelly |
We need to be appropriate models for our kids. |
|
22:51:12 |
Stacy_G. |
i'm :nak: |
|
22:51:17 |
willowsmom |
:) |
|
22:51:26 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh gosh great idea kelly! I LIKE that! |
|
22:51:36 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, I disagree with Dr. Phil on this. Children do better
when they FEEL better, not when they feel worse. |
|
22:51:45 |
Stacy_G. |
ITA kelly |
|
22:52:00 |
Webmama_Tina |
i have been wanting to create a relaxing space in my home
actually....i am really wanting a comfy colorful overstuffed
chair for reading and relaxing...that sounds like a good spot
for this |
|
22:52:18 |
willowsmom |
Yeah it does! |
|
22:52:28 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok, so what nexT KELLY? |
|
22:52:41 |
PDMod_Kelly |
My kids started using time out as a positive cool off ONLY AFTER
I modeled using it myself. |
|
22:52:43 |
Webmama_Tina |
i'm taking mental notes....i think i actually need this space
more than maeven! |
|
22:53:26 |
PDMod_Kelly |
So after you've role played when they are calm and after you've
modeled, then you can ask if they want to use the time out spot
when they are frustrated. |
|
22:53:36 |
Stacy_G. |
I'm in the process of redoing one of our rooms when my business
is gone. I'll make a nice cozy place for this. |
|
22:53:54 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah all homes need a cozy spot, don'tya THINK? |
|
22:53:57 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Try to catch the frustration as soon as possible because if it
gets to the too far gone" mode, they really can't even hear what
you're saying, even if they want to." |
|
22:54:10 |
Webmama_Tina |
what is whith my caps tonite? they're all twonky! lol |
|
22:54:30 |
Stacy_G. |
For a very very brief time I used the time outs punitively.
I'm so ashamed. Anyway...this was almost two years ago and
my two year STILL says: Send him to time out! |
|
22:54:36 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok, that's a tough one...will take some practice] |
|
22:54:48 |
PDMod_Kelly |
At first, they might resist using the time out spot and at first
they might use it inappropriate to escalate the tantrum. |
|
22:55:11 |
Stacy_G. |
We'll have to call it a squshy spot" or something. :)" |
|
22:55:20 |
willowsmom |
lol |
|
22:55:21 |
Webmama_Tina |
good idea! |
|
22:55:24 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Stacy, I used time out inappropriate for a long time even after
reading the PD book! |
|
22:55:25 |
Webmama_Tina |
the comfort zone |
|
22:55:45 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok so what would be inappropriate? |
|
22:55:57 |
Stacy_G. |
I was fed up with them physically hurting each other so I made
them time out when they fought. It didn't help in the long
run. It only solved the issue in the short term. |
|
22:56:12 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Anyway, know that it won't happen overnight. They won't
suddenly be able to go to the calm down area and calm down
quickly. |
|
22:56:18 |
Stacy_G. |
lesson learned. |
|
22:56:20 |
PDMod_Kelly |
It takes lots of training and time. |
|
22:56:37 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Well, I tried to SEND my child to time out. |
|
22:56:41 |
PDMod_Kelly |
That never worked. |
|
22:56:46 |
Stacy_G. |
they've outgrown a lot of that. |
|
22:56:58 |
Stacy_G. |
rofl! i tried that too. |
|
22:57:00 |
PDMod_Kelly |
It really only works well if it's the child's choice. |
|
22:57:07 |
Stacy_G. |
my book said it would work. LOL |
|
22:57:19 |
PDMod_Kelly |
And that's difficult with young kids --toddlers, 2's and 3's
especially. |
|
22:57:30 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Which book?? :) |
|
22:57:41 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Just curious. |
|
22:57:44 |
Stacy_G. |
Setting limits with the strong willed child. |
|
22:58:02 |
Stacy_G. |
The actual information was really helpful, but the time out
stuff was silly. |
|
22:58:06 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Who's the author? |
|
22:58:20 |
Stacy_G. |
nuts...I can't remember. It isn't dobson though. |
|
22:58:36 |
Stacy_G. |
He talked about using clear language and I found that helpful. |
|
22:58:46 |
PDMod_Kelly |
In my anger management class, I do a role play with the parents
where I send them to time out, then we discuss what they were
thinking, did it help, etc.? |
|
22:58:57 |
Stacy_G. |
I often say to Airon: Before you do anything else, do
_____. |
|
22:59:16 |
Stacy_G. |
He would get sidetracked. I rarely find myself in a
begging situation. |
|
22:59:20 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Most all of the parents agree that they were thinking things
like I'm bad" or "I'll get even later", etc." |
|
22:59:23 |
Stacy_G. |
That was a big problem before. |
|
22:59:39 |
Stacy_G. |
uggg. |
|
22:59:55 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Even after they all agree that time out doesn't work like they
want it to, they STILL want to send their kids to time out and
for the kid to think about what they have done."" |
|
23:00:05 |
Stacy_G. |
I am better able to distinguish true PPD books now. |
|
23:00:33 |
willowsmom |
I have the book...Discipline without Shouting or Spanking... |
|
23:00:35 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Well there are TONS of parenting books on the market now. |
|
23:00:49 |
PDMod_Kelly |
and of course ALL of them say that they have the answers. |
|
23:01:14 |
Stacy_G. |
I find it is a combination of everything. |
|
23:01:16 |
PDMod_Kelly |
And I guess there does need to be a full range of parenting
books because different parents have different priorities. |
|
23:01:40 |
Webmama_Tina |
kelly was it you that said that you can't have control over what
your kids think? |
|
23:02:03 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I don't remember. If I did say it, then I was repeating
someone else. |
|
23:02:19 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah i think thats so silly to think that kids will think about
what they DID"" |
|
23:02:19 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Dr. Becky Bailey's audio tapes are excellent and I think she
mentions this on one of her tapes. |
|
23:02:38 |
Stacy_G. |
That makes total sense. , |
|
23:02:40 |
PDMod_Kelly |
When I'm still upset, I'm not willing to think about my
mistakes. |
|
23:03:16 |
Webmama_Tina |
but i had never thought about it that way...why do you think you
can control what your children think? |
|
23:03:21 |
PDMod_Kelly |
After kids are calm , THEN parents can give assuring hugs and
can work on a solution WITH the child. |
|
23:03:45 |
Webmama_Tina |
oh that makes me think of the kahlil gabran poem |
|
23:04:04 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I'm not sure why we think that Tina. Maybe because we wish
that we really could control their thoughts? |
|
23:04:09 |
Stacy_G. |
what other questions were there tonight? |
|
23:04:30 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I think most are asleep in their beds now.:) |
|
23:04:36 |
Webmama_Tina |
lol |
|
23:04:48 |
PDMod_Kelly |
But there was a good turn out. |
|
23:04:54 |
Webmama_Tina |
yeah so let me get this straight...positive time out is just a
cooling off period, right? |
|
23:04:56 |
Stacy_G. |
good. |
|
23:05:02 |
Webmama_Tina |
yes it went really WELL! |
|
23:05:05 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Yes, a cooling off period. |
|
23:05:16 |
willowsmom |
:) I'm so glad I saw the post about this chat tonight. :) |
|
23:05:22 |
Stacy_G. |
me too. |
|
23:05:23 |
PDMod_Kelly |
To teach calming skills and to regain control. |
|
23:05:31 |
Webmama_Tina |
ok, good to know |
|
23:05:40 |
Webmama_Tina |
thanks a ton kelly! as always |
|
23:05:48 |
willowsmom |
Thanks Kelly :) |
|
23:05:55 |
Webmama_Tina |
its past midnite your time i know! |
|
23:05:57 |
Stacy_G. |
thank you kelly. |
|
23:05:57 |
PDMod_Kelly |
I'm glad you moms were here. I know we only covered a few
questions, but I have decided that it's more helpful to go into
depth. |
|
23:06:06 |
Webmama_Tina |
and my family is ready for me to start the bedtime routine |
|
23:06:11 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Okay! |
|
23:06:12 |
Stacy_G. |
i appreciate your response to mine. |
|
23:06:13 |
Webmama_Tina |
definitely |
|
23:06:14 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Good night all! |
|
23:06:20 |
willowsmom |
Night Kelly :) |
|
23:06:32 |
Webmama_Tina |
nite kelly! see you next month! or one of your associates |
|
23:06:34 |
Webmama_Tina |
:) |
|
23:06:36 |
Stacy_G. |
I got off the chat and wrote out a list for airon in the am.
Then he can be in control of how he gets ready. |
|
23:06:42 |
Stacy_G. |
night! |
|
23:06:44 |
PDMod_Kelly |
Okay Tina. I sent out an e-mail and we'll see who
responds.1 |
|
23:06:49 |
Webmama_Tina |
great! |
|
23:06:57 |
Webmama_Tina |
see you guys next time! |
|
23:07:01 |
Webmama_Tina |
night all! |
|
23:07:05 |
Stacy_G. |
night. |
