|
20:02:08 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
What is your question? Do you want to
ask it now? |
|
20:02:24 |
tiffiny |
is that ok, can we just get started? |
|
20:02:40 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
sure, let me know if you want to know
more about me |
|
20:02:50 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
of just go ahead with your question |
|
20:02:58 |
tiffiny |
alrighty... |
|
20:06:26 |
tiffiny |
my daughter just turned 3, i've been
separated from her father since feb
(divorce is final now) and we lived
where there was always yelling. He was
always yelling at me, namecalling, but I
was always holding her when he was
yelling |
|
20:07:59 |
tiffiny |
so...now whenever an adult says
something to her, she always hangs her
head. she never says hi to anyone. if
someone gets mad at her for something,
she does the same thing (not with me)
then she'll run to me and cry. |
|
20:09:29 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
That must be hard for you to see... |
|
20:09:32 |
tiffiny |
i guess i'm just not sure if this will
go away, or if it's because she's shy,
or because of all the yelling she's
heard |
|
20:09:42 |
tiffiny |
well, I'm not sure how to help her |
|
20:10:02 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
okay let's work on it |
|
20:10:16 |
tiffiny |
she still sees him on a regular basis,
and we don't ever fight anymore, since i
hardly talk to him |
|
20:10:25 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
What do yu say to her when she hangs her
head? |
|
20:10:47 |
tiffiny |
nothing, i generally hold her hand or
tell the other person that she's shy |
|
20:11:21 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
One thing you could do it start to
empathize with what you think she might
be feeling at those moments |
|
20:11:36 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
What do you think she might be feeling? |
|
20:12:06 |
tiffiny |
not sure....i can remember one time I
went to work, took her with me, and when
someone said hello to her, she just hung
her head and sholders |
|
20:12:45 |
tiffiny |
i just told the other lady that she was
shy and just patted seren on the head |
|
20:12:52 |
tiffiny |
i guess that sounds bad now that i type
it |
|
20:12:54 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
Well, one thing you could do is point
out what she is doing, then try to
guess what she may be feeling |
|
20:13:41 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
You are doing the best you can, I can
see you are really concerned about her
and also how what you have tried might
be perceived |
|
20:13:42 |
tiffiny |
putting the words in her mouth, like oh
you must be shy about meeting this
person"?" |
|
20:14:16 |
tiffiny |
she may not even be shy at all, but all
this talking about it, could it be
making her shy? |
|
20:14:33 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
yes! |
|
20:14:47 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
What is her name? |
|
20:14:50 |
tiffiny |
Seren |
|
20:15:26 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
One thing you could do is say, Seren,
When the lady said hello to you, I
noticed you put your head down.... |
|
20:15:49 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
I wonder, are you feeling... sad? |
|
20:16:22 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
The reason I say sad, is that I imagine
that she felt sad when all the yelling,
etc was occurring.. or maybe frightened |
|
20:16:33 |
tiffiny |
yeah, probably |
|
20:16:37 |
tiffiny |
i imagine so |
|
20:17:21 |
tiffiny |
it's so weird, because she does this
with every adult we come in contact with |
|
20:17:30 |
tiffiny |
even my grandparents, and she loves
them |
|
20:17:38 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
How long has she been doing it for? |
|
20:17:43 |
tiffiny |
my roommate will come home and talk to
her and if she doesn |
|
20:17:55 |
tiffiny |
t want to be spoken to she'll hang her
head |
|
20:18:04 |
tiffiny |
my roommate then just ignores her |
|
20:18:10 |
tiffiny |
um....since we left |
|
20:18:12 |
tiffiny |
in feb |
|
20:18:27 |
tiffiny |
i just figured she's get over it |
|
20:18:57 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
so since you left her father? |
|
20:19:12 |
tiffiny |
she never sticks up for her self either,
if someone takes a toy, she'll let them
then come and cry to me |
|
20:19:15 |
tiffiny |
yes |
|
20:19:27 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
so she's feeling kind of insecure... |
|
20:19:40 |
tiffiny |
yeah, and i don't want her to stay that
way |
|
20:19:55 |
tiffiny |
i try to tell her that she needs to tell
them that that was her toy and she wants
it |
|
20:20:07 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
how have you talked to her about leaving
her dad? |
|
20:20:11 |
tiffiny |
with a please in there of course |
|
20:20:14 |
tiffiny |
nope |
|
20:20:28 |
tiffiny |
i don't want to say anything bad about
him |
|
20:20:31 |
tiffiny |
and why i left |
|
20:20:46 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
You don't need to go into that |
|
20:20:50 |
tiffiny |
the main reason was because he
threatened to kill me after a fight |
|
20:21:12 |
tiffiny |
she heard him because she was on my lao |
|
20:21:14 |
tiffiny |
lap |
|
20:21:44 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
That's intense for a little one to hear |
|
20:22:27 |
tiffiny |
yeah, but once I left, i never said
anything to her, except that we were
moving and going to have a different
home |
|
20:22:55 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
So even though I am sure she must miss
her dad, she likely has conflicting
feelings about it which are hard to
verbalize. How can she love someone who
threatened to kill her mom? |
|
20:23:17 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
I think you need to talk to her about
it. |
|
20:23:52 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
in very simple language... emphasizing
what you imagine her feelings about it
are |
|
20:24:11 |
tiffiny |
you think she would still remember after
all this time? |
|
20:24:23 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
like you could say, I bet sometimes you
miss your Daddy |
|
20:24:33 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
oh yeah |
|
20:24:39 |
tiffiny |
well, she does seem him every weekend |
|
20:25:24 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
okay, you could say, are you sad that
mommy and daddy ad you aren't living in
the same house anymore? |
|
20:25:39 |
tiffiny |
ok |
|
20:26:06 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
or I wonder if sometimes you might feel
sad that mommy and daddy aren't together |
|
20:26:50 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
It is okay that she feels sad about
it... it doesn't mean you are a bad" mom
or anything like that" |
|
20:27:49 |
tiffiny |
alright |
|
20:28:10 |
tiffiny |
i guess i just assumed that she was so
young that it wouldn't effect her that
we left |
|
20:28:19 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
You can tell her that you and her daddy
both love her very much, but that mommy
and daddy were not doing very well with
each other when we were living together |
|
20:28:38 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
so that is why you live separately now |
|
20:28:46 |
tiffiny |
I just assumed that she would forget all
about the yelling, at least hope, but
it's clear that some stuff bothers her
or has effected her |
|
20:29:05 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
It is interesting how much of an effect
it does have |
|
20:29:35 |
tiffiny |
so then that's probably why she does
what she does? because of the yelling
she's had to hear |
|
20:29:43 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
Yes, it is very hard for any age child |
|
20:29:54 |
tiffiny |
i thought she would be better now, I
never yell at her |
|
20:30:28 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
Well, it may be because somehow she
feels bad"inside, like she did something
wrong, andthat is why mommy and daddy
aren't together" |
|
20:31:05 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
You want to communicate to her that she
didn't do anything wrong, that daddy was
mad at mommy not at her |
|
20:31:39 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
There are books about how to tell
children about divorce |
|
20:32:03 |
tiffiny |
i guess i just hoped i wouldn't need
it, with her being so young |
|
20:32:07 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
and maybe even info on the internet as
well-you could search |
|
20:32:21 |
tiffiny |
well, i work at a library, so I could
find the books easily :) |
|
20:32:44 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
Yeah, it would be great if it would just
all be okay without having to talk to
her about it! |
|
20:33:22 |
tiffiny |
yeah, :) |
|
20:33:30 |
tiffiny |
make my life eaier |
|
20:33:32 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
That's good... I would look at several
and see what is suggested... make sure
it is age appropriate |
|
20:33:41 |
tiffiny |
:) |
|
20:33:47 |
tiffiny |
thank you so much |
|
20:34:14 |
tiffiny |
eye opening, because i just thought she
was too young to be effected by the
divorce |
|
20:34:25 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
If you need more support around it, you
couldfind a therapist or counselor who
specializes in young children |
|
20:34:25 |
tiffiny |
would it be bad of me to leave you here
alone? |
|
20:34:36 |
tiffiny |
I have to make her dinner now |
|
20:34:42 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
You could rehearse with them what to say |
|
20:34:57 |
tiffiny |
i've thought about it |
|
20:34:58 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
Okay, thanks so much forcoming! |
|
20:35:16 |
tiffiny |
i may do that, because there are issues
I can deal with as well |
|
20:35:22 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
If you feel like it, let me know what
happens! |
|
20:35:26 |
tiffiny |
thanks again, i really appreciate it |
|
20:35:29 |
tiffiny |
are you always here? |
|
20:35:32 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
Take care! |
|
20:35:40 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
it is once a month |
|
20:36:03 |
tiffiny |
i will defintely check in! |
|
20:36:07 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
3rd Tues or you can email me sedmonds@cableone.net |
|
20:36:08 |
tiffiny |
thanks a bunch! |
|
20:36:18 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
you're welcome! |
|
20:36:35 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
bye! I'm going to go eat dinner! |
|
20:36:41 |
tiffiny |
:) |
|
20:37:39 |
Mod_SarahPhD |
bye! I'm going to go eat dinner!
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